B-Movie Review: Starship Rising (2014)

Note: Spoiler Alert (not that you should really care)

Starship Rising is the result of Star Trek colliding with Star Wars at high warp, giving you what has the feel of a sci-fi themed porno with the sex scenes edited out. Apparently in this universe all one needs for space travel are some vacuum tubes and hose clamps – everything from microphones to the metal vest thingies they wear (hockey gear spray painted chrome)  for some reason is composed of similarly cheap materials.

From what little detail I could decipher out the haphazardly strung together scenes and lackadaisical acting, the plot to this masterpiece is quite pedestrian. Basically, humanity is divided into two main factions: The Federation and Terra Nostra. The former serves as the Evil Empire (complete with their very own planet destroyer), ruled by a dime store Darth Vader/Palpatine amalgamation, and latter is a religious sect who follow some sort of space Pope (no he ain’t a lizard). They are at war for some reason, so our illustrious hero John Worthy is sent to Earth on the Death Star ship where they are ordered to blow it up because reasons. Mr. Worthy takes issue with this and single-handedly commandeers the vessel in one of the most riveting mutiny scenes I’ve ever seen. Immediately after vaporizing their previous captain, everyone on-board just decide to be good guy rebels. I guess Federation propaganda ain’t what it used to be.

From there the movie muddles on through scene after scene of stale acting and boring space battles in what I guess is suppose to be

Notable scenes/dialogue include:

  • 7 minutes in and we an unnecessary chloroform rape – don’t worry though the rapist totally gets his throat cut by the victim’s rescuer
  • 12 minutes in: Darth Skeletor, “Remove your clothes.” “Fuck you” *bitch slaps followed by a casual beheading.* “Fucking rebellious cunt.” This dude is all sorts of evil.
  •  16 minutes in: “Where are you going?” “Missile bay. Now out of my way you fucking runt.” “Oh fuck you toilet bowl!
  • 18 minutes in: “Is this a fucking mutiny?!”
  • 35 minutes in: The Federation is bombing their own planets apparently for the sole purpose of blaming John Worthy. Fucking genius
  • 36 minutes in: “Blast them out of the sky!” They’re in space.
  • 39 minutes: John Worhy narrating, “The darkness is closing in. I did what was right, but I was wrong! What have I done?” Huh?
  • 41 minutes: Some woman hits some dude in the face with her sword, makes a punching sound.
  • 41:50: Action girl, “A real biomech. My pleasure… I can smell your machine oil.” *acts all horny*
  • 42 minutes: Private Tortoise/comedic relief guy, “Do you have a female biomech?” “It would be illegal for me to produce an entity that is more intelligent or powerful than myself.” Uh, ok?
  • 43 minutes: Worthy’s girlfriend is exposed as a Federation loyalist, Action girl pulls a gun on her and says, “12 milliliter high powered semi-automatic pistol!” 
  • 50 minutes: Action girl kisses Worthy. “I don’t feel anything.” 
  • 53 minutes: Overseer’s minion, General Gutsov, has Worthy’s mother and sister hostage to use as leverage and force him to turn over the ship. John agrees, but the second he talks terms Gustov cuts his mother’s throat, triggering a lot of over acting and a totally well delivered “FUCK YOU!” Lol. 
  • 57 minutes: Private Tortoise, “I don’t want to die out here. It’s cold.” 
  • 59 minutes: Darth Skeletor sprays some gas into a minions face and orders him to jump off a cliff for displeasing him. I suppose mind-choking him would be too obvious.
  • 62 minutes: Gustov murders Worthy’s sister, eliminating any leverage he had (real smart). This is followed by more torturous shouts of “NO!”. Giving that Worthy’s family were given all the introduction and set up as the average extra, this had the emotional impact of watching grass grow. 
  • 65 minutes: “Are you mad?” “Yes I am!”
  • 84 minutes: Supreme commander lady of the Federation (Overseer’s half sister) reveals to her son his rapey incest origin.  “The throne to the Overseer is rightly yours. He raped me. It’s yours.” Zero fucks given (by me).
  •  86 minutes: Terra Nostra is over thrown by some rebels, who capture a high ranking officer who reveals to Gustov via Space Skype the big plot twist: Darth Skeletor is also the Space Pope. Surprise!
  • 87 minutes: Gustov lets John Worthy go (did I mentioned he was captured at some point?) due to this new revelation, calls him “friend.” Yeah, not like the guy didn’t kill his family or anything. That’s in the past.
  • Set up for the sequel, rinse and repeat

Yes, that’s right, there’s a sequel!

All this being said, it’s not entirely without redeeming qualities. The soundtrack is half decent, and the space battles are relatively “good” considering its low budget. I suspect a sizable portion of the budget went towards hiring a composer who could produce a sound slightly more interesting than elevator music. In fact, if you were to listen to just the music alone you might be duped into thinking it’s a major cinematic blockbuster. The acting, while certainly mediocre, isn’t the worst I’ve ever seen in such B-movie films and does provide a nice level of camp for unintentional comedy.

Overall, 2/10 – almost “so bad it’s good” but not quite.

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